Maybe more lost than ever...

I find myself feeling this way after a dormant period.

The dormant period works like this. No matter what the project, you leave a piece of yourself in it. Doesn't matter if it's pure hack work, or pure poetry. We like to believe that we can systematize ourselves out of this problem. We make lists, take note, write breakdowns, outlines, treatments, whatever. But at the end of the day all that structure can only take you so far; and you have to leap into your work. It's a moment of madness and nothing gets made without it. I heard the notion described as passing through "nothings nothingness" (in German, I think it's just one word).

It's a bit like sex. What isn't like sex, though? I guess sex is the only thing that isn't "like sex." Also bureaucracy; bureaucracy is nothing like sex...

Anyway; it's a bit like sex. That is to say; you can codify it or sanctify it, you can dress it up whatever way you like. But at some point the obscene gesture must take place. At some point your human reality becomes an organic one which is very counter-intuitive. And it's wonderful, your psyche has a lot of trouble dealing with that fact too.

So after the structures have been exploited to their fullest, and the wonderful obscene act has taken place; you're spent. There is no way around this. You've synthesized all your weird thoughts into weird writing, the piece is complete; but you are depleted. The dormant period that follows is your brain trying to refill the tanks. But when that period is over; you start to remember how to write again. Ideas start forming on their own again. Inspiration becomes possible again.

The problem is: no one knows how long a dormant period is going to last. It could be a day or two, or it could be several months. After the long ones... I've usually fucked up my life good and proper. Being a writer over 30 means there's no real time for a dormant period. You have to get to the next thing. A successful writer can afford this time. For an unsuccessful writer over 30, it just looks like your whole life has been a dormant period.

So I've just come out of a particularly long dormant period. I'm happy that the ideas have begun to flow again. But that lost feeling is strong. The last few projects are still in the wind. And the people around me can't figure out why nothing new has happened yet. "I thought you were a writer... Don't writers write?"

Good writing is all that matters. I can say it here, at least.