I actually find it easy to conceptualize an idea, I've been told I'm an abstract thinker.
When it's time to make a narrative project, I can very often see start to finish, in broad strokes, in my head right away. I also give people a lot of credit for their feelings. That is to say; I'm not one of those people that believe that there needs to be a material element driving the emotion. I'm perfectly aware that more often than not; the emotional logic comes first and is then intellectually justified in material terms.
This attitude is not always great for writing TV. In TV-land everything needs to be materially based, because the audience has a tenancy to be big (if you're luck) and different people have totally different fields of reality. We actually live in a world where the other people living in that world, live in a completely different world. It's an unsettling thought and there's no standard for objectivity (sorry, I know some people think there is, but that's just actually a part of their skewed field of reality). It's actually that very gap in understanding that makes us individuals.
All this makes formulaic approaches to narrative difficult for someone like me, who finds the logi of materialism to be false anyway.
Point is; it really made me think about that phrase; the devil's in the details.
Block head
I do check my head, every night before bed
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Rejection.
Rejection is one thing. Everyone has to deal with rejection. In many way; life is rejection. It's failing and failing and failing again until you hit your success. Then all those past failures are just cute little anecdotes about what made you what you are.
That said, I don't take rejection well.
Personal rejection (someone not liking me or something) is no big deal. I don't love it, but whatever; who are they, right?
Professional rejection stings more, and that really because my endeavors are creative. I really do leave a piece of myself on the page. But I can handle it. Like I said; I'm over 30... I can buy whiskey.
But there's a very special kind of rejection that's part-in-parcel of trying to make it in a subjective industry. That's the 'do it again' rejection.
You find yourself doing hard work, and very often good work, for no money or even necessarily credit. You do this to get yourself into a position where you're able to do work for both money and credit. Basically; to get yourself to the place where a rejection is just a rejection. But when you're trying to make it, the people you're submitting to own you. They not only reject your work, they send you back to the drawing board on the vaguest of premises. You're not being paid, and your previous efforts get flushed.
You have to take it. Lost of people don't even have the opportunity to be dicked around like this. In this sense, I am lucky. But it's harsh every time. Because this rejection means you have to make your piece all over again, totally differently, for free, and with no garuntee of anything.
Working on SPEC, not even once... (Just kidding, working on spec is all you can do, must try to enjoy it.)
That said, I don't take rejection well.
Personal rejection (someone not liking me or something) is no big deal. I don't love it, but whatever; who are they, right?
Professional rejection stings more, and that really because my endeavors are creative. I really do leave a piece of myself on the page. But I can handle it. Like I said; I'm over 30... I can buy whiskey.
But there's a very special kind of rejection that's part-in-parcel of trying to make it in a subjective industry. That's the 'do it again' rejection.
You find yourself doing hard work, and very often good work, for no money or even necessarily credit. You do this to get yourself into a position where you're able to do work for both money and credit. Basically; to get yourself to the place where a rejection is just a rejection. But when you're trying to make it, the people you're submitting to own you. They not only reject your work, they send you back to the drawing board on the vaguest of premises. You're not being paid, and your previous efforts get flushed.
You have to take it. Lost of people don't even have the opportunity to be dicked around like this. In this sense, I am lucky. But it's harsh every time. Because this rejection means you have to make your piece all over again, totally differently, for free, and with no garuntee of anything.
Working on SPEC, not even once... (Just kidding, working on spec is all you can do, must try to enjoy it.)
Monday, January 25, 2016
The other outlet.
My girlfriend works and I don't. What I mean by that is, my girlfriend ha a paying by the hour job, and I don't. This is painful. I tried to work jobs. It was about eight years ago that I found myself truly lost. A time I constantly find myself revisiting.
I was finishing up school with a poli-sci degree (BA), not knowing just how meaningless the major was. This was a time of great collapse for me. It was also a time of great loss for my girlfriend. Thing where rough. I was broke then too, but what she really needed was taking care of. We lived together.
We moved to a town that was new to me but old to her, and I did try to work. Worked crap jobs. They met their ends in a variety of ways. Still, working or not, remained broke.
I was trying to get myself together as a writer that whole time. Trying to cram it into the mains. In its way, it was working. But I wasn't getting far enough, fast enough. And I was miserable working.
But I kept going through some very strange circumstances. The original days of work er not the problem.
A big turn happened with a long job my girlfriend got, during a period when I had rough part-time one (still 30hrs/week though). Don't want to get into the details of either job. Not on this post anyway.
I took over a lot of domestic duties, even though I was working, just to make life easier. Just tomake her a little happier.
Now that I'm fully freelance, and times are tough, I've taken to cooking a lot. I think it'll be fun to talk about that on this blog too.
Turns out I love cooking.
I was finishing up school with a poli-sci degree (BA), not knowing just how meaningless the major was. This was a time of great collapse for me. It was also a time of great loss for my girlfriend. Thing where rough. I was broke then too, but what she really needed was taking care of. We lived together.
We moved to a town that was new to me but old to her, and I did try to work. Worked crap jobs. They met their ends in a variety of ways. Still, working or not, remained broke.
I was trying to get myself together as a writer that whole time. Trying to cram it into the mains. In its way, it was working. But I wasn't getting far enough, fast enough. And I was miserable working.
But I kept going through some very strange circumstances. The original days of work er not the problem.
A big turn happened with a long job my girlfriend got, during a period when I had rough part-time one (still 30hrs/week though). Don't want to get into the details of either job. Not on this post anyway.
I took over a lot of domestic duties, even though I was working, just to make life easier. Just tomake her a little happier.
Now that I'm fully freelance, and times are tough, I've taken to cooking a lot. I think it'll be fun to talk about that on this blog too.
Turns out I love cooking.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Inter-subjective consensus.
The general consensus... No, that's not right. General consensus isn't really what I mean. I think I heard a good, legitimate, pedigreed term of this at some point, but I've forgotten it. You see, I have a YouTube addiction. I'm a fairly functional addict. As in; you wouldn't know it if you met me. But after a certain amount of conversation you might start to wonder. So, years ago, watching YouTube (and back in the early days of YouTube, no less)I came across a pretty interesting character. As far as I know there was no irony in any of his posts. He had a bunch of different names over time, and for all I know he's still active and I've just lost track of his channel. But when I was watching him, I think he was called The Confederal Socialist. I think! But I do remember he was an anti-statist. Meaning he believed that any approach to governance the produce a state to govern the people was unacceptable. That's the kind of thing that makes me love YouTube. I never really figured out what his overall plan for a perfect government, which is on me because I knew he had one. It was just much more fun to watch his videos on conspiracy theories and social criticism. During one of his critical videos he used a phrase I believe he made up: "The inter-subjective consensus." It was a phrase he used to mean something like what's being expressed in a phrase like; "the normative... of" or "it's in the zeitgeist." But he used it in a more pinpoint way. HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE: "It is the current inter-subjective consensus that blackface is an unacceptable mode of expression." (FTR, I'm not attempting to make a value judgement ether way with this statement, it's just an example). So I like the phrase inter-subjective consensus. One other way to describe it is; It's and ideological notion that is prevalent among people on both the right and the left. One would be considered on the fringe for not being a part of the inter-subjective consensus. So, Just saying I'm gonna use the phrase, when needed, from now on. Thanks Confederal Socialist!
Stuck between inspirations...
When the dormant period is over and the thoughts start wriggling around in your head like worms when the ground's really wet... You feel alive again. breathing is good again. Sometimes when you're blocked, breathing is a chore. It feel like it's not worth the energy to draw breath, when nothing's coming to you anyway. But breathing is good again now, and it's good...
No matter how much I want to pretend, I'm not really free to work on whatever I want to yet. I know the day will come , I know this because I have to know it, I have no choice if I want to continue this way. That said, it's still really exciting to find project that have room for real expression within them. Though it's also a litte frightening, because you start using material and concepts that you thought you were just going to keep for yourself and your future work, but... As Hunter S. Thompson said; "Anything worth doing, is worth doing right." So it goes in.
But sometimes you find yourself stuck between inspirations.
When your kind of off on your own like me, much of what you write is speculative. You wanted produce work that nobody asked for, but also that they had no idea they wanted. It's a rough wave to ride.
The best way to approach this is to pick a project that you'll be happy you've done anyway, and that has a potential for re-purposing. That can stand for you while you work on the next thing.
I can really only do one project or neither will get done, but even writing this out has helped me.
No matter how much I want to pretend, I'm not really free to work on whatever I want to yet. I know the day will come , I know this because I have to know it, I have no choice if I want to continue this way. That said, it's still really exciting to find project that have room for real expression within them. Though it's also a litte frightening, because you start using material and concepts that you thought you were just going to keep for yourself and your future work, but... As Hunter S. Thompson said; "Anything worth doing, is worth doing right." So it goes in.
But sometimes you find yourself stuck between inspirations.
When your kind of off on your own like me, much of what you write is speculative. You wanted produce work that nobody asked for, but also that they had no idea they wanted. It's a rough wave to ride.
The best way to approach this is to pick a project that you'll be happy you've done anyway, and that has a potential for re-purposing. That can stand for you while you work on the next thing.
I can really only do one project or neither will get done, but even writing this out has helped me.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Maybe more lost than ever...
I find myself feeling this way after a dormant period.
The dormant period works like this. No matter what the project, you leave a piece of yourself in it. Doesn't matter if it's pure hack work, or pure poetry. We like to believe that we can systematize ourselves out of this problem. We make lists, take note, write breakdowns, outlines, treatments, whatever. But at the end of the day all that structure can only take you so far; and you have to leap into your work. It's a moment of madness and nothing gets made without it. I heard the notion described as passing through "nothings nothingness" (in German, I think it's just one word).
It's a bit like sex. What isn't like sex, though? I guess sex is the only thing that isn't "like sex." Also bureaucracy; bureaucracy is nothing like sex...
Anyway; it's a bit like sex. That is to say; you can codify it or sanctify it, you can dress it up whatever way you like. But at some point the obscene gesture must take place. At some point your human reality becomes an organic one which is very counter-intuitive. And it's wonderful, your psyche has a lot of trouble dealing with that fact too.
So after the structures have been exploited to their fullest, and the wonderful obscene act has taken place; you're spent. There is no way around this. You've synthesized all your weird thoughts into weird writing, the piece is complete; but you are depleted. The dormant period that follows is your brain trying to refill the tanks. But when that period is over; you start to remember how to write again. Ideas start forming on their own again. Inspiration becomes possible again.
The problem is: no one knows how long a dormant period is going to last. It could be a day or two, or it could be several months. After the long ones... I've usually fucked up my life good and proper. Being a writer over 30 means there's no real time for a dormant period. You have to get to the next thing. A successful writer can afford this time. For an unsuccessful writer over 30, it just looks like your whole life has been a dormant period.
So I've just come out of a particularly long dormant period. I'm happy that the ideas have begun to flow again. But that lost feeling is strong. The last few projects are still in the wind. And the people around me can't figure out why nothing new has happened yet. "I thought you were a writer... Don't writers write?"
Good writing is all that matters. I can say it here, at least.
The dormant period works like this. No matter what the project, you leave a piece of yourself in it. Doesn't matter if it's pure hack work, or pure poetry. We like to believe that we can systematize ourselves out of this problem. We make lists, take note, write breakdowns, outlines, treatments, whatever. But at the end of the day all that structure can only take you so far; and you have to leap into your work. It's a moment of madness and nothing gets made without it. I heard the notion described as passing through "nothings nothingness" (in German, I think it's just one word).
It's a bit like sex. What isn't like sex, though? I guess sex is the only thing that isn't "like sex." Also bureaucracy; bureaucracy is nothing like sex...
Anyway; it's a bit like sex. That is to say; you can codify it or sanctify it, you can dress it up whatever way you like. But at some point the obscene gesture must take place. At some point your human reality becomes an organic one which is very counter-intuitive. And it's wonderful, your psyche has a lot of trouble dealing with that fact too.
So after the structures have been exploited to their fullest, and the wonderful obscene act has taken place; you're spent. There is no way around this. You've synthesized all your weird thoughts into weird writing, the piece is complete; but you are depleted. The dormant period that follows is your brain trying to refill the tanks. But when that period is over; you start to remember how to write again. Ideas start forming on their own again. Inspiration becomes possible again.
The problem is: no one knows how long a dormant period is going to last. It could be a day or two, or it could be several months. After the long ones... I've usually fucked up my life good and proper. Being a writer over 30 means there's no real time for a dormant period. You have to get to the next thing. A successful writer can afford this time. For an unsuccessful writer over 30, it just looks like your whole life has been a dormant period.
So I've just come out of a particularly long dormant period. I'm happy that the ideas have begun to flow again. But that lost feeling is strong. The last few projects are still in the wind. And the people around me can't figure out why nothing new has happened yet. "I thought you were a writer... Don't writers write?"
Good writing is all that matters. I can say it here, at least.
Friday, January 15, 2016
So it's come to this...
Welcome to my outlet. I'm a writer over 30 and I'm lost. I can no longer talk to friends and relatives about my fears and misgivings. They all just tell me to get over it and get a real job. They don't understand that there's no getting over it, and nothing else feels real.
I am so conflicted about posting on the internet. Especially stuff that I don't think is art. I'm not saying that I'm not sure what I'm writing here is art, I'm saying that I'm sure that it's not, but I'm still going to write it.
I'm over 30 (like I said), so when I first started using the internet there were like five websites in total, not literally, but it felt like it, so now that the internet is a dense forest of web pages; I have no idea how or why anyone would happen upon this blog. But whatever... On the one hand I'm happy about that, because that way I don't have to worry about anyone reading the blog and I can put what I want without fear. On the other hand; the thought of pure isolation troubles the hell out of me, which is why I'm posting on the internet in the first place. There's something about the echo of cyberspace that's just more comforting than diary writing in a word program. Plus, I'm really not a diary guy.
When I write now, in general, I have to amend my ideas and personality to whatever the potential job requires. After a few years of this; I'm starting to question whether or not I actually have ideas or a personality.
So this is my outlet. I will let it function as my object little a. At least for now.
Welcome to my outlet. I'm a writer over 30 and I'm lost. I can no longer talk to friends and relatives about my fears and misgivings. They all just tell me to get over it and get a real job. They don't understand that there's no getting over it, and nothing else feels real.
I am so conflicted about posting on the internet. Especially stuff that I don't think is art. I'm not saying that I'm not sure what I'm writing here is art, I'm saying that I'm sure that it's not, but I'm still going to write it.
I'm over 30 (like I said), so when I first started using the internet there were like five websites in total, not literally, but it felt like it, so now that the internet is a dense forest of web pages; I have no idea how or why anyone would happen upon this blog. But whatever... On the one hand I'm happy about that, because that way I don't have to worry about anyone reading the blog and I can put what I want without fear. On the other hand; the thought of pure isolation troubles the hell out of me, which is why I'm posting on the internet in the first place. There's something about the echo of cyberspace that's just more comforting than diary writing in a word program. Plus, I'm really not a diary guy.
When I write now, in general, I have to amend my ideas and personality to whatever the potential job requires. After a few years of this; I'm starting to question whether or not I actually have ideas or a personality.
So this is my outlet. I will let it function as my object little a. At least for now.
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